After renaming the Strait of Hormuz “the Strait of Trump,” the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America,” and Lake Ontario “Lake America,” US president Donald Trump announced at a press conference this morning that he is renaming his own ass “the Ass of America.”
“This will add YUGE acreage to our land mass,” Trump enthused. “It’s the biggest, most beautiful acreage anybody’s ever seen!”
When a CNN reporter pointed out that by giving “Donald Trump’s ass” the more prestigious-sounding appellation “the Ass of America” Trump was actually reducing the number of things in the world named after himself, Trump grew angry and lashed out: “Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. Be quiet… You’re very disrespectful… Fake news. You’re loud. You’re a boisterous person. Be quiet… CNN reporter my ass—I mean, the Ass of America. You’re a fake reporter and you report fake news.”
When another reporter asked whether there there was anything else in the world left to rename, or any further depths of national degradation to plumb, Trump said he didn’t think so, but he might be able to pull something out of his ass.
